#166 – Life Is a Team Sport: Why Men Struggle to Ask for Help
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Episode Summary:
“I should be able to figure this out on my own.”
It’s a thought many men have but one that keeps them stuck.
In this episode, Ian Hawkins unpacks one of the biggest barriers to personal growth: the shame men feel around asking for help. Drawing from his own experiences and conversations with coaching clients, Ian explores how the belief that “real men don’t need help” is outdated and dangerous. He shares how life, just like sport, requires coaching, feedback, and teamwork to truly thrive.
This is an empowering call to let go of the lone wolf mentality. With references to Les Brown, real-life coaching breakthroughs, and a heartfelt challenge to start small (like accepting a compliment), this episode offers a grounded, relatable path toward strength through support. Life is a team sport. Let’s start treating it that way.
About the Host:
Ian Hawkins is dedicated to showing how sports can transform lives. With extensive experience as an athlete, a coach, PE teacher, community volunteer, and manager at Fox Sports, Ian brings a wealth of knowledge to the podcast. His journey began in his backyard, mentored by his older brother, and has since evolved into coaching elite athletes and business leaders. Ian's commitment to sports and personal development is evident in his roles as a performance coach and active community member. Through "Sport Is Life," Ian shares inspiring stories and valuable lessons to help listeners apply sports principles to all areas of life.
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Transcript
I should be able to figure this out on my
Speaker:own. It's something I've heard from so
Speaker:many men, like somehow asking for help is
Speaker:a weakness or a failure. But here's the
Speaker:thing. In sport,
Speaker:support is a given. You've got
Speaker:coaches, teammates, you get
Speaker:encouragement, feedback and
Speaker:accountability. So why do we treat life
Speaker:differently?In this episode, I'm
Speaker:unpacking the shame men feel around
Speaker:seeking help and why true strength
Speaker:comes. From realising that you were
Speaker:never meant to do it alone. Life is a
Speaker:team sport, so let's start treating it
Speaker:that way.
Speaker:I'm Ian Hawkins and this is Sporty's
Speaker:life. The purpose of sport, as I
Speaker:see it, is to see your vision become a
Speaker:reality, find your voice, create
Speaker:strong connections and learn to trust
Speaker:your body.
Speaker:Not the single biggest reason that
Speaker:men don't get help.
Speaker:It's because they think they should have
Speaker:their stuff sorted. They don't think they
Speaker:should need help.
Speaker:But those of us who come from a sporting
Speaker:background know that.
Speaker:Even if you're an individual athlete, you
Speaker:need a team. You absolutely need
Speaker:support, you need accountability, you
Speaker:need someone there cheering you on. You
Speaker:need all of those same things that
Speaker:that are just to give it in sport. You
Speaker:need them in your everyday life.
Speaker:And so sometimes when they do
Speaker:get started coaching with me, they
Speaker:still have that. It's almost like shame.
Speaker:I kind of feel like, you know, like.
Speaker:Should have sorted this out myself.
Speaker:It's like, well, if it was that easy to
Speaker:sort it out yourself, then we'd all be
Speaker:living our absolute best lives.
Speaker:But how many people, how many men could
Speaker:hand on heart?Say that they
Speaker:are living. The absolute best
Speaker:life.
Speaker:So there's absolutely no shame in getting
Speaker:help. It's actually
Speaker:necessary.
Speaker:Quite a love I've referenced before
Speaker:Les Brown.
Speaker:Don't get help because you're weak. Get
Speaker:help because you're strong and you want
Speaker:to get stronger. Now
Speaker:you've had. A fair
Speaker:bit of success in your life that you
Speaker:know. But you also know that.
Speaker:There's so much more. And you also know
Speaker:that you've had that thought. And if I
Speaker:could be more consistent, just how good
Speaker:could I be? How much could I achieve if I
Speaker:could hit those high marks that I hit on
Speaker:occasions, like how much better could Ibe?
Speaker:So when you are. Facing
Speaker:a moment in your life. We are thinking,
Speaker:man, I just want to make an improvement.
Speaker:I just want things to be better. I wonder
Speaker:what life would look like if I could
Speaker:do XY and Z that I've been talking about
Speaker:for years. I wonder if I could show up
Speaker:with more confidence in that particular
Speaker:area, more consistency in that other
Speaker:area. What would it look like next time
Speaker:he's thinking about that?Don't think I
Speaker:should. I should have all this all
Speaker:sorted. I should be able to work this out
Speaker:on my own because it's not how life
Speaker:works. Life works. Life's A-Team
Speaker:sport. And we depend on
Speaker:having that.
Speaker:Those people around us that do
Speaker:and provide all of those things for us
Speaker:that fill our gaps. You know, TV
Speaker:shows deliberately
Speaker:have. A range of characters
Speaker:that cover off most of the.
Speaker:The different personality types.
Speaker:Why is that? Because there's a chemistry
Speaker:to that. Because it works
Speaker:and the best environments you are
Speaker:in, there's a wide range of
Speaker:people in it, covering a whole lot of
Speaker:different. Ways of
Speaker:operating, of communicating, of
Speaker:learning, of. Doing
Speaker:best work of. Being
Speaker:the best team member.
Speaker:It's not a bad activity to do is
Speaker:to sit and and just contemplate those
Speaker:groups you're being in where it's all
Speaker:worked. Maybe some of those groups that
Speaker:you're stealing that work and, and, and
Speaker:wondering why. And more often than not,
Speaker:it's because you're not having to do all
Speaker:of the things that that aren't natural
Speaker:for you, that aren't natural to you.
Speaker:You know, having to do everything, but
Speaker:you've got your clear role and
Speaker:you've got other people to help you with
Speaker:the other stuff. Never was
Speaker:this more clear to me than my own
Speaker:experience this week. So there's been a
Speaker:bit of a break in the podcast. You would
Speaker:have noticed for the regular listeners
Speaker:that hasn't been an episode in in a
Speaker:couple of weeks. I've I've been on a
Speaker:break much needed time to
Speaker:recharge. And I thought
Speaker:about getting a hold of episodes done in
Speaker:advance and thought, no, I'm just going
Speaker:to switch off. I'm going to wind down to
Speaker:the end of. That week before I took time
Speaker:off and and then yeah, two weeks later
Speaker:I'm getting back into it. But it
Speaker:was hard getting back into it, like I'd
Speaker:switched off so well, it took me a while
Speaker:to get back on track. But then I
Speaker:had one session with my coach and after
Speaker:about 10 minutes into it, I'm suddenly
Speaker:feeling more energised, more focused,
Speaker:having more clarity and the 24 hours
Speaker:since then, that's exactly what's
Speaker:unfolded. Because I was trying to sort it
Speaker:out all out myself.
Speaker:Part of me was trying to sort it all out
Speaker:myself, trying to do it on my own. At the
Speaker:moment I just get externalised and then
Speaker:have someone make some suggestions based
Speaker:on the information I give them. Then
Speaker:suddenly everything changes. I'll come
Speaker:back again to the example of a sporting
Speaker:environment.
Speaker:You review the previous.
Speaker:Performance and. You've got other
Speaker:people there within the team.
Speaker:That are going to give you that feedback
Speaker:and then also encourage you and support
Speaker:you and pick you up when you need picking
Speaker:up give you that really clear.
Speaker:Feedback when maybe you weren't
Speaker:following the game plan.
Speaker:But in life?We just think we can get this
Speaker:done on our own.
Speaker:So when you're faced with those moments.
Speaker:It's just continuing to remind yourself.
Speaker:You don't have to have it all sorted out.
Speaker:And you may look around at the rest of
Speaker:the world and go, yeah, what else seems
Speaker:to have their shit together? I've had
Speaker:this conversation with a few people and
Speaker:it's like the reality is they don't.
Speaker:That's why as much as possible, I try and
Speaker:share with you guys like the challenges
Speaker:that I have because. Just because I'm
Speaker:doing this work and I'm helping other
Speaker:people with their stuff, it doesn't mean
Speaker:I'm immune from having my own struggles.
Speaker:I have plenty of struggles and actually
Speaker:the more you do this work on yourself.
Speaker:The challenges get bigger, they don't get
Speaker:smaller. But what happens is that you
Speaker:continue to get better at dealing with
Speaker:them. So some of the challenges I've had
Speaker:over the last couple of years have been
Speaker:the biggest challenges in my life. But
Speaker:because I've done a lot of the work and I
Speaker:have a support team around me
Speaker:and I'm able to navigate them in a so
Speaker:much easier. I've learnt the
Speaker:skills, I've done the work. I have
Speaker:someone there supporting me, someone
Speaker:there to keep me accountable, someone
Speaker:there to help me get my own clarity, to
Speaker:help me focus, to help
Speaker:me solve the problem. Not
Speaker:by doing it for me, but but just helping
Speaker:me look at it from a different
Speaker:perspective.
Speaker:So that's the challenge to accept
Speaker:help and a lot of the people that.
Speaker:Listen to my. Whether it's podcast
Speaker:or the other work that I do.
Speaker:They're generally people who love to
Speaker:help, they love to give. They're spending
Speaker:a lot of their time doing things for
Speaker:other people. It can
Speaker:be hard to accept.
Speaker:Help. Because you're so used to giving it
Speaker:out. It's
Speaker:yeah, it can be the biggest challenge. So
Speaker:I always get people to start. Small
Speaker:starts slowly.
Speaker:Like when someone offers you a
Speaker:compliment, do you dismiss it?
Speaker:You say, oh, it's nothing. Do you just.
Speaker:Tell them you know it's no big deal,
Speaker:whatever it is, or you just say thank
Speaker:you. I appreciate you sharing that with
Speaker:me.
Speaker:No, I know that was one of the hardest
Speaker:things for me, learning to just to say
Speaker:thank you to a compliment or even thank
Speaker:you to someone offering to give me
Speaker:something or buy me a coffee or something
Speaker:like that. Just.
Speaker:Whatever reason like.
Speaker:Too proud or not wanting to
Speaker:inconvenience someone? Who knows?
Speaker:The depths of the people pleasing
Speaker:behaviour is complex and deep.
Speaker:But then I learned that actually you're
Speaker:doing a disservice to the other people,
Speaker:and it's the same in your life. There's a
Speaker:whole lot of people out there who want to
Speaker:support you, and it's getting used to.
Speaker:Accepting them in whatever way that looks
Speaker:like. And of course there are
Speaker:some areas of support that it's so much
Speaker:better having someone who's not
Speaker:emotionally connected to your day to day
Speaker:life. Because they they will come with a
Speaker:bias. If you're having that
Speaker:conversation with someone who's like
Speaker:fully immersed in your story. But if
Speaker:there's someone that's far enough removed
Speaker:that they can give you a motion, free
Speaker:advice changes everything.
Speaker:That's why I have a coach. That's why I
Speaker:talk to you guys about it all the time.
Speaker:You need someone to bounce ideas off. You
Speaker:need someone to help you change habits,
Speaker:to change behaviours to, to see.
Speaker:Some of those areas that you do excel
Speaker:that perhaps you don't even realise.
Speaker:I'll have to be reminded again and again
Speaker:that when I look at things and I go, oh,
Speaker:can't everyone see that? Doesn't everyone
Speaker:do things that way? And the answer's
Speaker:always no. Like that's unique to you.
Speaker:You've got to remember just how much
Speaker:value you have in that space that people
Speaker:don't see those things.
Speaker:Even some things that might seem
Speaker:completely obvious.
Speaker:So, as the great Les Brown said,
Speaker:don't get help because you're weak. Get
Speaker:help because you're strong and you want
Speaker:to get better.
Speaker:You've taken the time to listen to this
Speaker:whole episode. Now it's time to take
Speaker:action. Commit to one thing you've
Speaker:learned today and make it happen. And to
Speaker:avoid any obstructions, join the Sporty
Speaker:Life movement by clicking on the link in
Speaker:the show notes.
